


The Wildcat and the Bear

by DeathByTitanium



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-11-16 14:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11254704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathByTitanium/pseuds/DeathByTitanium
Summary: “Wildcat.” She heard from behind her. Nesta knew the voice, in fact she was annoyed just by hearing it. She growled, turning around to the man she knew she’d see. His smirk was infuriating, his handsome face so smug she wanted to punch the smugness right off of it. Perhaps the violence was because she had just been in a stressful situation, perhaps it was her natural reaction to Cassian’s face. She would have bet on the latter.“What are you talking about?” she sneered.“You. You are a wildcat.” He looked her up and down then nodded, “Wildcat.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I want to start with a disclaimer: this fic is inspired and therefore loosely based on Native America culture. I do not however claim to be an expert or to be representing the culture of many tribes and peoples in an accurate manner as I do not have enough information on any of them to be so arrogant as to claim such things. This fic was born from my honest admiration of both the people and their beliefs. But it is ultimately a story that is derived from various things and will include various different aspects. I hope that nevertheless those who choose to read it will enjoy.

 

“Wildcat.” She heard from behind her. Nesta knew the voice, in fact she was annoyed just by hearing it. She growled, turning around to the man she knew she’d see. His smirk was infuriating, his handsome face so smug she wanted to punch the smugness right off of it. Perhaps the violence was because she had just been in a stressful situation, perhaps it was her natural reaction to Cassian’s face. She would have bet on the latter.

“What are you talking about?” she sneered.

“You. You are a wildcat.” He looked her up and down then nodded, “Wildcat.”

Nesta knew she was sneering. She knew but she couldn’t help it. She didn't want to, not with him.

His smirk widened, “That is your name.” He thought about it for a second, brows bunching together, “I suppose the people from behind the walls would call it a spirit animal, if I’m not mistaken.”

She lifted an eyebrow, “Like you are the Bear?”

He nods, “Yes, like that.”

She sighed, face softening, almost involuntarily, “Is that how that works? You say it and boom, now it’s my name?”

His face sobers as he shakes his head, “No. I have simply seen the wildcat in you and recognized it enough to name it,” he smiles, not smugly for once, “I’m sure no one will disagree that you are a Wildcat. Though the Elder has to agree and bless you with the name and the spirit of the animal.”

“Mmmm…” if she was being honest she only understood some of it.

His smile became smug again, “I’ll get to name you, which gives me great joy.”

She rolls her eyes, “You are incapable of not ruining a moment, you know that?”

He chuckles, “Maybe. Or maybe we haven’t been in the right moment.”

She rolls her eyes again, turning around and going back to her tent.

 

* * *

 

She was around the bonfire with the entire tribe that night. Apparently tonight was some kind of special occasion ritual or something. Feyre was attempting to explain it to her, “It finds the people who’s souls are alike and it shows it to us, all of us. The people that are tied are regarded as married after that, but there are rituals to bind the people together forever.” Feyre smiles, “That’s what happened to me and Rhys.”

Nesta snorted, “Told by the fire that your spirits are alike. Yes, that explains you and Rhysand’s relationship.”

Feyre rolled her eyes and snorts, “Laugh all you want, but the fire was right.”

“Well, you and I both know that it’ll never happen to me.” Nesta answered.

Elain sat down pulling Lucien, her betrothed, with her, “What’ll never happen to you?” she asked cheerfully.

“Nesta said she would never be paired with a soul by the fire.” Feyre answered.

Elain hugged Nesta’s side, “Oh, don’t be so pessimistic, I bet there is some handsome guy that will be a match for your soul.”

Rhys sat down next to Feyre, kissing her on the cheek, “Yes, never know. Speaking of, a certain Bear told me he saw the Wildcat in you. I agree, perfect name.”

“Ooh, ooh, definitely,” Feyre said.

Rhys chuckled, “I believe that Cassian is going to tell the Elder. He seemed happy of the prospect of naming you himself.”

“Let me guess: it involves taking my clothes off, doesn't it.” She deadpanned.

Rhys was close to a smirk of his own when she heard a booming laugh coming from behind her, the next thing she knew Cassian was sitting next to her, large arm around her shoulder, “Yes it does.” He says, winking at her, “But that's not the only reason. It's an honor to name someone, to be part of the process. It's a big thing, getting paired with an animal.”

“Sure, fine, it's a big deal,” she rolled her eyes again, “but why wildcat?”

He chuckled again, looking at her in the eyes, “They are small. But fierce. They'll claw your eyes out if you rub them the wrong way.” He lifted a brow, “Like someone we know.” She was almost agreeing with him when he continued, “Now if you rub them _the right way_.” His voice had dropped to a low hum, his accent enhancing the sensuality of those few words.

She pushed him away from her, “You're a pig, you really are.”

“I'm a _bear,_ sweetheart. A bear that could teach you many things, if you let me.” he said quietly to her.

“I'd sooner use my own hand than let you teach me anything.” she snapped back in the same tone.

His grin became almost feral, “That works for me.”

She snorted, “In your dreams, _Bear._ ”

There came a noise from the back of his throat, “Most definitely. Every single night.” He said before getting up and walking somewhere else.

She rolled her eyes as he strutted away. So insufferable, that _bear_. Sometimes she swore she wanted to choke him, if only to have a respite from the all the gibberish. Alas, he was far too tall for her to reach his neck and far too muscled for her to make a dent. It was still a dream of hers, unlikely as it was. She lived in that fantasy for a few more moments until she heard the call to attention.

As hard as it had been to come from beyond the walls, as they called it, she was now more than a little familiar with their ways and traditions. It felt like a long while since she’d moved, they had even fought a war and settled some of the grudges that stood between the two peoples. Not all, of course, some were too old and ingrained to be settled, even with a war.

So she sat quietly and listened to the Elder speak a bunch of words in a language she was beginning to learn but was still too new at to really follow. She caught words here and there but nothing big enough to make her truly understand what was happening.

Before she knew it people were standing up and mingling, but she kept to her seat. She knew what this part was, the fire was about to pair kindred souls and she had no interest in this part of the night. So she sat and watch the people dancing and the fire starting to change colors. She caught shapes of animals and people walking through the fire meeting each other in the middle.

Just when she was starting to lose interest, she saw a… cat come up to her. A cat, but _wilder_ somehow. She smiled as she realized it was a Wildcat, leading her closer and closer to the fire. She couldn’t help but huff a little laugh as the small cat growled at her, running away. She stepped up and followed that little cat with such a narrow focus that she didn’t realize where the cat was leading her. To whom the cat was leading her.

She was on the other side and close to the fire when she bumped into something, just as her little guiding wildcat leaped onto… a _bear_ . Looking up at what she had bumped into she realized she hadn’t bumped into a thing but rather a _one_. Cassian, looking down at her with an absolutely dumbfounded expression on his handsome features.

She turned back to the fire in time to see the bear transform into Cassian himself and the wildcat, _her_ wildcat, turn into her. She couldn’t blink as she saw the Cassian in the fire turn to her fire avatar and take her hands in his lifting them to his mouth for a kiss.

The fire…

“ _You have got to be kidding me_ ,” was the only words that came to her mouth.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again! Enjoy ;)

 

Of all the people on earth, she had been paired with Cassian? Cassian?

When she looked back up at him his expression was almost pained. She saw so much in his eyes in that moment, from lingering want to desperation until she saw, finally, acceptance.

He bowed his head, falling to his knees before her, his hand going to the totem he displayed on his bare chest. His eyes lifted to her, bravery shining through, “I know you do not understand this very well,” he said to her quietly, “but I beg you try. To give me a chance to show you.”

He was pleading, begging her and she didn't know how to handle it. The commander of the Night tribe was at her feet pleading with her.

He bowed his head again and took the totem from his neck, lifting it in his hands as an offering. His next words, spoken with eloquence and consideration, “It would be my utmost honor if you were to allow my arrows to protect you and my shelter to keep you warm, my hunt to fill your belly and clothe you and my totem to lay on your chest.”

Her breath left her as she looked down at him. His long black hair was fallen over his shoulders, covering most of his face. What… what was she supposed to do? She looked around at other people's faces. On the faces of the tribe members she didn't know well she found mostly smiles. On the faces of her family and friends she saw bewildered looks, wide eyes, some mouths agape.

Her eyes ended up locking with Feyre’s, who was wide-eyed herself. Feyre simply nodded at her encouragingly.

She felt her chest going up and down but couldn't seem to catch a breath. She looked back at Cassian still kneeling before her and she tried to calm herself enough to feel the air coming in and out of her lungs.

She couldn't just leave him there, she couldn't just say no. She couldn't imagine the devastation he'd face if she turned around and left him there. He'd begged her, literally on his knees, pleaded for her to understand. She couldn't just walk away…

As soon as she felt her lungs expand she reached for the totem he was handing her, nodding slowly.

As her hands touched his, he lifted his hazel eyes to her, his face hard with resolve, eyes still as kind as she'd ever seen them. He took her hands to his lips, placing a kiss on a knuckle on each hand.

He lifted himself from his position and together they placed his totem onto her neck, where it gently rested on her chest. He nodded to her, his throat bobbing as he swallowed hard.

Cheers rang around them and she felt herself being led away. She felt a little removed somehow, like she was watching everything from afar even though she could feel her hand in Cassian’s. The heat of his hand was the only thing that registered as they walked, he was the only thing that seemed real. His gleaming black hair that fell down to the small of his back as he led her… Cauldron boil her she had no idea where they were going, what was happening.

She hadn't been here for the last of the bond rituals and Feyre hadn't elaborated on what happened after they got paired. For all she knew now she would have to bed Cassian in front of the entire tribe; if that were the case, she'd probably run away, she just couldn't imagine bedding anyone, much less in front of everyone she had ever encountered.

When they stopped in front of his tent she was on the verge of panic until Cassian turned toward her with kindness. He maneuvered her so she was in front of him, bowing his head at her slightly. He turned to the people that had followed and said a few words before turning back to her and urging her inside.

She didn't know what to do once she was inside the tent… her breathing was slightly uneven and she felt faint. Not that she would tell Cassian that, she couldn't look weak right now, especially not right now.

“Sit,” he said quietly from behind her. He walked further inside, extending a hand showing her she could sit on his furs.

She wouldn't have, any other day, but she couldn't think, could barely breathe. Walking over she took a seat on the furs. It was the middle of fall and it was starting to get really cold so she appreciated the warmth it brought her. Everything else, on the other hand, brought her nothing but an anxiety so great she didn't even understand it. Especially the male who was currently lowering himself to sit next to her.

“I- um… I…” he tried, then sighed as if in defeat, “I do not know what to say.”

For once she had to agree with him, what was there to say? They had just gotten married, for all intents and purposes. Against their will. Basically.

“How does this work?” She murmured, “Am I to be your wife now? And nothing else? Am I to lay on my back and let you have your way with me?” The more words she spoke the angrier she got, until the last question was asked in an uncivilized growl.

He looked at her, face somber, “I expect nothing of you other than patience and willingness to understand.” His lips turned up before he said, “I would never expect compliance from you.” He sighed again, “As for the  _ other  _ question, I won't even touch you, today or ever, unless you want me to.”

She snorted, “I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.”

“I'm not.” He said seriously, “It was a statement, not an invitation.”

She just sighed, all the fight leaving her at once, “Now what?”

He shrugged, “I don't know, this is new to both of us.” He looked around, thinking or distracting himself, it was hard to tell. Nesta could feel herself drifting away each moment that passed in silence. She had her eyes closed when she heard him say quietly, “You seem tired, we should simply sleep tonight. We can figure everything else out tomorrow.”

She nodded, too tired to argue. He continued on, “You can make yourself comfortable on whatever side you prefer. I will sleep on the other side and give you as much space as I can.” He looked at her apologetically, “The housing arrangements are not something I can change,”

She sighed again, “It's not your fault,” she admitted. She must have been very tired indeed if she was being this reasonable, but the thought didn't stop her from continuing, “We… we'll see what we can do. Tomorrow. For now, I don't have my sleeping clothes with me…”

He walked to his clothes and offered her what was obviously his nightshirt, “Will this do?”

“Yes, it'll do fine.” She took the shirt and it dawned on her that she didn't have a place she could change privately. She pulled the shirt to her body looking around awkwardly.

It seemed to dawn on him as well, “I will turn around,” he said quietly. As he turned she quickly shimmied out of her clothing and into his shirt then tucked herself into his furs.

As soon as she settled herself in a comfortable position, her eyes closed of their own accord and consciousness deserted her, leaving her to blessed sleep.

For the first time since Nesta had left her family home behind the walls she woke up feeling warm. Whereas normally, in the past few weeks when the weather had gotten worse, she woke up shivering, today she felt warm and toasty like there was a source of heat right next to her. In the early morning haze of her thoughts she didn’t remember anything from the night before, so she just smiled and snuggled further into her furs and fell back asleep.

* * *

 

Cassian had woken up to a head of golden brown hair in his face. He had been pretty startled before he remembered everything that had happened the night before. Mother and Cauldron what a mess. He had moved carefully, aware that he had his arms around Nesta and unwilling to wake her. Truth be told when he had thought about waking up with Nesta he had imagined the lead up to be very different. Mutual, for one. But instead this is what he got was someone that had been paired to him without wanting to, had been scared he was going to demand she give herself to him…

Now he just stood looking over the training of his soldiers. Not that he was paying any attention, his mind was so far away he might as well have been in a different plain of existence.

“Commander,” he heard a very distinct voice say from behind him. Great, now the Elder was here to check up on him.

“Elder,” he answered with due respect, turning around to face him. Rhys’s grandfather was a respectable looking man, from his impressive height (shorter than himself and even Rhys, but still impressive), his posture to the violet eyes that shone like stars, befitting to the Elder of the Night tribe.

His smile wasn't gentle in the least, but rather forceful in a strange way, “Thinking about your mate?”

Cassian had the urge to scowl at him and bark a very rude “none of your business” but knew that would get him nothing but a lecture on the proper respect due to your elders and especially _ the  _ Elder so he contained it and offered a smirk instead, “She gave me a lot to think about.” No lie there, she definitely had, but his attitude was very misleading as to  _ what _ she had given him to think about.

The Elder’s eyes narrowed at him, as if he could see through his carefully constructed facade, he seemed to ignore it as he nodded, “Yes, well, tomorrow I plan on officially welcoming Nesta into the tribe by way of naming. Wildcat was indeed quiet fitting, as we saw in the fire last night.”

Cassian just nodded. Oh, great his wife type person - that didn't want to be his wife type person - was going to officially become part of the tribe so that she would be able to officially become his wife type person. What. A. Fucking. Mess.

“You know how everything is going to go, I expect that you'll explain everything to her, though I will be passing by your tent to check up on both of you later today.” The Elder continued, non-plussed. Great, awesome, now he had one more thing to throw at her. He was quite certain that Nesta would hate him by the end of the week.

“Cassian?” He heard again, feeling a poke at his side. The Elder again, trying to get his attention, “Are you happy, son?” He asked gently, hand lifting his hand to Cassian’s cheek.

He just sighed, “It's different than I thought it would be… In fact I didn't think I'd ever get something like this…”

The Elder just nodded, “It will get easier over time. I have sensed a very good match between you two, but even so you must let understanding and love grow between you, and that, young one, takes time.” Cassian just nodded, feeling overwhelmed, “Go, take the week off.”

“A week?”

“Go take care of your woman.”

Cassian almost laughed at that, Nesta Archeron wasn't _ his _ , she belonged to no one but herself and that wouldn't change because it was one of the things he loved about her.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, so leave some will ya?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a stressful few weeks but finally got around to writing this one. If you read my other fic, Something More?, I'm so sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. Hopefully this is good enough to to buy me another week on that one. Enjoy, my loves!

 

 

“What are you doing here?” Nesta asked as he walked into the tent.

“Why I’m walking into my own tent?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

She rolled her eyes, “Right now, is what I meant. Don’t you have work?”

He sighed, “I was sent home. For the week.”

“Week?” she whistled, “What did you do? Accidentally trip on your ego?”

“Ha-ha, very funny. If you must know, I was sent home to get better acquainted with you.”

“What’s to know? My name is Nesta, I’m twenty-three years old, I’m from behind the walls and I’m married to you,  _ apparently _ .”

“The enthusiasm in that last part is absolutely overwhelming, sweetheart. What they want is for us to get  _ that  _ kind of acquainted, if you know what I mean,” he said with a wink, “I figured since that’s out of the question, maybe we could just move your things here. Oh, and the Elder said he’s going to come over to check up on he wants to start your naming ritual tomorrow.”

“Oh, amazing, now I can look forward to  _ that _ . Does that mean you’ll get to take my clothes off?”

His smile faded, “No. Not… not tomorrow. In fact not ever if you don’t want it. It would have been at the end of the week, but it’s up to you.”

“No jokes from you this morning, I see. To what do I owe this delightful turn of events?”

He let out an exasperated sigh, “Mother’s tits, woman, you think I can’t take anything seriously? We are in this situation, for better or worse, so I am going to behave myself accordingly. I  _ respect  _ you, Nesta, and right now that means no jokes.”

“Not something I expected to see in you anytimes soon. Though, I must admit, the irony of the method is not lost on me.”

“What?” he asked, bemused by how seamlessly she said all of it.

She chuckled, “The way to shut you up, or at the very least quiet your jokes. All I had to do was marry you, which was, incidentally, the very last thing I’d  _ ever  _ do.”

Cassian simply rubbed his temples, “How is it that you’re amused by this situation?”

“Come, Cassian, you of all people must understand the concept of finding the humour in stressful environments.”

“ _ I  _ do. I just never really thought you would.” He smiled, looking at her sheepishly, “It is delightfully ironic.”

They shared a smile, quietly in their little moment of understanding. “So...” Nesta started, averting her eyes quickly, “We should get my things and bring them here, I suppose.”

Cassian smirked, “Give it a few minutes. No need to make the entire tribe think I’m that fast. Oh, and would you mind making a few noises? Maybe shake the tent a little?”

Nesta groaned, “That was short lived.”

He just chuckled, “I was prepared to be serious for much longer, but you spoiled it by being accepting of the humour of it all.” He shrugged, “Your fault, sweetheart. And, just to check, that was a no?”

“Not a chance in this life,” she snapped back.

“Can’t fault a man for trying. They’ll probably just assume you’re the quiet type.”

“The tent isn’t even close enough for anyone to hear!” She exclaimed, almost furiously, throwing something at his head.

He ducked and easily dodged the flying object, “Fine! It was just for me! Throw a bear a bone, sweetheart!”

She threw something else at him, “You are infuriating!”

“I try my best,” he said on a laugh, dodging another one of her projectiles, “On the bright side,” dodge, “if anyone does happen to pass our tent right now,” dodge, “they are likely to think,” dodge, dodge, “that we are in the midst,” dodge, “of something, if a bit unconventional of a something.”

“We have to go to my tent!”

His grin was so wide it almost hurt his cheeks, “And why is that?”

“I’ve run out of things to throw at your head!”

He lifted a finger at her, “ _ Attempt  _ to throw at my head. You’ve yet to land a hit.”

“Therefore I need more things!”

He outright laughed at that, “Unfailing logic, Nes.”

“I give up,” she sighed, throwing herself on his furs, so very dramatically.

Cauldron she was a beautiful thing. Call him crazy, but Cassian was absolutely stunned by her beauty, especially in her fit of rage. He just wanted to follow her onto the furs and hold her close to him. Unfortunately, the most she felt for him was annoyance and all she did was tolerate him. So instead of taking her into his arms, he simply sat next to her. “Don't give up,” he said gently, “I’m sure you'll hit me if you keep trying.” She just glared up at him.

“What now? What happens from now on? Do we keep pretending we're happily married?”

“No, I don't expect that…” he sighed, “I just want to try. That's all I'm asking, that we try.” He looked at her, eyes pleading, “I think that we have something, Nesta, you and me. I think we have have potential. Don't you?”

“I don't know… I…” she sighed, “I just don't know.”

“Do you hate me?” He asked quietly.

“No…” she said just as quietly, “All I know is that… I couldn't just walk away from you yesterday.” It wasn't the first time he'd heard that from her. During the war, when everything had gone to hell, when he was sure hejj was going to die. Similar words, a simple 'I can't’ when he'd told her to run and save herself. He had thought they were moving forward in whatever they had but they'd ended up moving many steps back. Everything that had happened had just been too much…

“I'm sorry,” he said, and he was, he really really was, “I'm sorry this is how it ended up going… I'm sorry.”

She just sighed shaking her head, “Not your fault… it would be so easy to just blame you, but it's not your fault…”

They sat there for a little while longer, both looking down, in their own heads. “We should go get your things…”

“Alright… there aren't many things, really, just a couple things from behind the wall.”

He just nodded, keeping quiet for lack of words really. It seemed like he never managed to say the right thing around her. Unless it was to get on her nerves, he was incredibly well versed at that. Anything else he failed miserably at. So he just got up and offered his hand to her to help up. He felt foolish almost immediately after, of course she wasn't going to take his hand, she doesn't need his or anyone else's help.

To his surprise, she took his hand and accepted his help. She simply walked out and led the way to her smaller tent. They walked in silence through the camp, he simply followed her, his eyes tracing her outline as he meditated on the state of things. Was all of this his fault? Wasn’t it? If you wanted someone to win you a battle he was your man. A war? He could put something together. Anything Nesta Archeron related? He was clueless as a babe. Just his luck.

His eyes tracked her curves as she bent to enter her tent. Did it make him horrible that he like watching her? It made him feel quite conflicted… she might just be the enigma of his life and he was nowhere near figuring her out. All he had was that feeling, at the pit of his stomach that she would be important to him but that didn’t really tell him much.

He let her have a few moments to herself before he joined her, he understood how tough it could be to go through so many changes at one time. Truth be told, he had been worried about her since the end of the war… Maybe he’d be able to make it up to her by being there for her now. He entered the tent to find her kneeling on the ground clutching a small carved wooden figure to her chest. She wasn’t crying or anything of the sort, but… she wasn’t alright either. It took a moment for it to dawn on him that it was one of her father’s creations… Quietly, he sat next to her, not touching, not even looking at her. He just sat there.

Eventually she sat all the way down, her hands going lax, “I don’t even understand why this is so hard,” she whispered, “I hated him… I wished he was the dead one for since the day my mother died…” Her voice was so faint, it hurt him to hear it. It physically hurt him.

“He was still your father,” he said softly,  _ and you saw him die, you pleaded for his life and he still died _ , he thought to himself, remembering how horrible it had been, how she’d sobbed, how in the end it hadn’t made a difference.

“We should get back,” she said quietly back.

He nodded, “Just tell me what you want to take and we can go.”

She took the little figurine and a little chip of wood with painting on it then pointed toward a wooden chest, something he’d learned was common on the other side of the wall, “The chest has my clothes in it,” she explained.

He nodded, walking to the chest and picking it up. It was heavier than he had anticipated, so he grunted as he picked it up.

Nesta gave a loud snort, “The Commander of the Night Tribe armies outdone by a stack of women’s clothes?”

He grunted again as he started walking, “A stack of women’s clothing inside a huge wooden box.”

“Stop whining and make yourself useful.”

“I am useful!” he said outraged, “Ask anyone!”

“Must I remind you that you are unemployed at the moment?”

“For a week!”

She shrugged, walking out of the tent. Cassian just chuckled as he walked after her.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, a new chapter! Enjoy ;)

 

 

“How much clothes do you have in this?” He asked that night nodding at her wooden chest in the corner of the tent. They’d spent the day like this, sitting down on the furs, discussing random things, talking as peacefully as they ever had.

She rolled her eyes at him, “First of all, a woman never has too many clothes. Second, not that many, really. A few dresses, some jewelry, a few random nick-knacks, from _before_.”

“Anything interesting?”

She sighed, “Not really, just some… _sentimental_ things, I guess.”

He smirked, lifting a brow, “And what makes the mighty Nesta sentimental?”

Rolling her eyes once again she said, “Elain and Feyre’s fancy baby dresses, the baby blanky we all used, my mother’s favorite dress, my father’s favorite tie, my parents wedding rings.”

“Oh,” he said quietly, his eyebrows lifted in surprise.

“Oh,” she mimicked.

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, “I didn’t realize…”

She waved him off, shutting him up in the process, “No one ever does.”

“That’s just because no one ever cared enough to try to understand you, and I want to be different, Nesta, I want to be the person that knows you enough to know these little things. I’m sorry I was a smart ass about the question. I really wanted to know… I just don’t think much before I speak and most of the things come out on… well… Cassian default mode.”

“Stupid mode, you mean.”

He raked his hands through his hair, “Pretty much. I’m trying to change that, I really am, but, sometimes, my big mouth opens before my brain can catch up.”

“Tiny brain,” she murmured.

He looked at her with an eyebrow raised and a smirk on his lips, “Only tiny thing about me."

She snorted, “That’s not really a glowing endorsement.”

He inched closer to her and poked her, “Stop it. Share with me, why is it important to you. I swear I’ll be quiet and only listen to you.”

“I don’t believe you. You’ll make a crude joke five seconds into my story,”

“How does a crude joke fit into a story about baby dresses? I promise, I’ll be quiet. Please tell me?”

She shrugged, “It’s not even very interesting.”

“I’m interested, it’ll be interesting to me.”

“I, just… I remember when my sisters wore those dresses. I insisted on helping the maids dress them, I was two with Elain and four with Feyre. Elain was very compliant, she cooed quietly and smiled the whole time we dressed her.” she smiled fondly, fiddling with the edge of the furs she was seated on, “Feyre was the opposite. She kept squirming and she’d scream and laugh and she absolutely hated the dress and halfway through her party she spit up all over it and my mother just handed her off, so I followed the maid and helped her clean Feyre up. She was such a feisty little baby. Another thing I remember from that night was when my mother punished me for doing the servant’s work for her.”

“Well, that’s…”

“What my mother was like,” she finished for him. She shrugged, “She was my mother.”

“Well,” Cassian said, “I never knew my mother. I think she died giving birth to me or not long after. But, if I had known her, I know I would have loved her, no matter what.”

Nesta nodded, “I… I think that, because of everything with my father, I neglected to remember the bad things with my mother.”

“You were just a child, you didn't know better.” He meant everything when he said that. From her exaggerated memories of her mother to the bitterness she carried with her ever since to the way she dealt with it. She was just a child who had lost a parent and her entire life in such a small amount of time, of course she didn't know how to react to it.

“But then I wasn't a child anymore and I was still the same.” She said with a shrug and he knew she understood what he had meant, how he had meant it all and not just the small detail she had given him.

“Don't dwell on past mistakes, move forward and try to change, be the person you want to be.” He would be there for her this time, he would help, even if she didn't know it yet.

“What if I want to stay the same?” She said with a sigh. She looked so defeated, as if she had no hope of change, as if she thought how she had grown was the only way she would ever have grown and would ever grow.

“No one stays the same forever, we grow as time passes, even when we don't want to. It's all about direction, in what direction will you grow and it's better to choose than to just let it go where it will.” _And I'll be there dammit,_ he thought because he would. This opportunity, this mating was his chance to leave the past behind and have something with her, with the only person he wanted to have a future with. All he had to do was convince her it was worth the risk.

She shot him a side glare, then she sighed, “You’re… wise… For a big brute with a tiny brain…” Maybe she was softening to him, letting him in a little, and that was all he wanted. A chance to show her who he _really_ was.

He smiled, “See, now I’m ignoring the second half of that,” she rolled her eyes but her mouth twitched in a suppressed smile.

“Hello!” They both jumped. Nodding, Cassian slapped a smile on his face as he turned to the Elder. “You two forgot I was due for a visit, I see.” Cassian opened his mouth to say _no, of course not_ but the Elder just waved him off, “It happens all the time, I am a very forgettable old man,”

Cassian laughed, “That you definitely are not. Thank you for the visit, we appreciate it.”

Nesta stayed quiet, just looking at the Elder with a bemused expression. He gave her a little shove to get her talking, “Yes, appreciate it.”

The Elder simply smiled at her as if he knew what she was thinking. If that was the case then he was jealous because he could really benefit from being able to read Nesta’s mind. “It's nice to speak to you again, Nesta.” The Elder started, directing his gaze on her, “Our last chat was somewhat brief due to the events that preceded it. “I did tell Cassian here to help explain what the naming ritual. Did he mention it?”

Cassian grimaced as the Elder looked at him with those knowing eyes. “No,” Nesta said mildly, “He hasn’t mentioned anything other than that you would be visiting today.”

“Well, our Cassian is a forgetful thing, has always been very focused on one thing at a time and obviously his mind has been elsewhere.” He patted Cassian on the arm, “Truthfully the ritual is a series of, tests, so to speak.”

“Tests?” Nesta asked, brows furrowed in confusion, “I thought I had already been chosen…”

“Yes, the spirits have indeed chosen you, but _you_ have not chosen the spirit. The tests are a way to consolidate the two sides, our side and their side, so that they become one within _you_.”

She lifted her eyebrows so high Cassian thought they might fly away from her pretty face. Somehow, they stayed in their place, and more surprising still, she managed to say, “Alright and what are the tests?”

“Oh, this one will explain them to you.” He said, hitting him on the arm again, “I’ll leave you to… as before.” Then he painstakingly lifted himself up and left their tent.

Nesta snorted, “He thinks we're intimate every five minutes doesn't he?”

“Probably…” he said, pouting, “but alas, you don't really like me, so no getting to know each other like that…”

That earned him a slap on the arm. He rubbed his arm, pretending it hurt, as she said, “You are a complete idiot and no one is sorry for you, seeing as I'm the first woman to ever not fall on her back and open her legs for her.”

“Hey! That's not true at all. Just because my handsome face and incredible smile make most women swoon, doesn't mean all of them fell on their backs with their legs open… Some fell on their front.”

She rubbed her eyes, “You. Are. A. Pig.”

“I. Am. A. Bear. A funny one, at that. Just a little joke, wildcat! It's not like that, never has been and definitely won't ever be.” He stayed where he was but his smile fell a little, his hands lifting in surrender when her expression didn’t budge, “Nesta. Please. You were the one that started it, I just continued the joke.”

She rolled her eyes, “I just…”

“You just what?” He encouraged. She just shook her head, looking down. Cassian sighed, “Talk to me, please. This will never work if we don’t talk to each other,”

She looked up at him with a glare, “I’m uncomfortable discussing that aspect of your life. Your… general… experience makes me feel… I don’t know… Inadequate…” she let out a hard breath, “Naive…  since you’ve been with so many women and I haven’t ever been with a man… and you’ve already commented on it before so, I know you agree…”

He sighed, remembering the event she spoke of, “Nesta, you are many things but naive is not one of them. And when you say inadequate, what-”

“Sex,” she said, rolling her eyes, “I’m inadequate compared to you when it comes to sex,”

He remembered the incident, and regretted it even more now that it was brought to his attention, “Nesta, you’re not inadequate because you’ve never had sex. That doesn’t mean anything, at all. It doesn’t change your character or what makes you _you_. Being or not being intimate with another person is a personal choice of yours that is none of my business, and I apologize if I made it seem otherwise. As for me being with so many women? None of them ever care about me, not really.”

“So you don’t think less of me.” She stated instead of asked.

“Of course not.”

“And you wouldn’t think less of me if I had been with someone.”

“No, not at all. The double standard for women in such matters has always been something I disagree with, people should be free to make their own decisions and not be judged by a bunch of people that know nothing about that decision.” She simply nodded at him, apparently appeased by his answer.

“How many women have you been with?” she asks blatantly.

He chuckled awkwardly, “I haven’t kept count, sorry. But… not as many as people say… not as many as people think.”

“Have you ever lived with one of them?”

“Mmm… No, the only person I’ve shared a tent with so far in my life is you,” he said with a wink.

She rolled her eyes again, “I’m flattered,” she said in the flattest tone possible, sarcasm oozing from those two words. “Allow me to revert our conversation to the naming ritual. What _exactly_ will I be facing for the next week?”

He smiled, “The first night is simple, just the start of the ritual. Nothing you need to worry about, just a bonfire, you’ll have to wear some special clothing and paint, but I’ll help you with that tomorrow.”

“And the next nights?”

“Oh, we’ll discuss them as we go, no need to overwhelm you with everything. Not much I can say, anyway,”

“Wha-” she started, but was interrupted by a shout from outside.

“Cassian! Come out here right now.”

He closed his eyes, sighing deeply. Mor was back.

* * *

Mor was back. Nesta closed her eyes and breathed deeply, she had always been particularly hostile with her and very vocal of her disapproval of her and Cassian getting closer. Morrigan was one of the reasons she’d not talked to him seriously until the day before, when they were forced together. She could just imagine what she’d have to say about them having been paired more permanently.

“I’ll go talk to her,” Cassian said quietly. She sighed once more, of course he was going to her. So she just shrugged, turning toward her wooden chest in displeasure. “I’ll be right back.”

He left the tent and went outside, already trying to quiet her before he went out. She was starting to think that she would always be in this position with him, sitting alone in a tent, looking around, trying to find her place in his already full life and family. Maybe she didn’t have one, not if she was the one staring blankly around while he goes to comfort another.

“Mor!” she heard Cassain’s voice, louder than before, closer than before. So Mor wanted to come in and scream at her in person. How could she have forgotten about Mor? Stupid, so stupid, being so caught in the day, in the talks…

“She’s in there, isn’t she?”

“Of course she is, she’s my mate,”

“I want to speak to her.”

“Maybe some other time, if she wants to. If she doesn’t just leave her alone.”

Nesta stood up and left the tent, ignoring Cassian and looking straight to Mor. She wanted to talk to her, then she would talk, “What is it that you want to say to me, Morrigan?”

Mor came in close to her, looking down at her, the difference of height meant to be an intimidation, but Nesta really didn’t care, “You.” she said sharply and coldly.

“Me. Is that all you have to say?” Her voice was as bored as it had ever been, her face blank as she just looked up. The blonde was certainly a beauty. No wonder…

“You’re happy now aren’t you? Now that he can’t get rid of you?” Mor said with a growl. How incredibly angry she was for no reason Nesta could determine.

She simply sighed, rolling her eyes, “I don’t think any of this concerns you, I don’t think it ever will. If I’m happy or not, if Cassian is happy or not, neither of us need to share with you unless we want to. So, you can leave, because I owe you nothing and I believe my mate has already answered whatever it was you wanted to ask him.” Then she simply turned around and went back into the tent, settling onto the furs, feeling more tired than she had before. She reckoned that was the best way to end an argument, turn around, ignore whatever else the person says once you turn your back to them.

To her surprise, Cassian entered right after her, sitting on the furs leaving a good distance  between the two of them. His face was drawn in lines of worry, apology and a storm of other emotions she couldn’t place. “I’m sorry about that,”

“Do you always apologize for things that aren’t your fault?” She asked, more for his peace of mind than her own. He wasn’t responsible for what Mor did and she wouldn’t hold him responsible for anything but his own actions.

“It feels like my fault,” he said quietly.

“It’s not, unless you told her to come here and make a scene.”

“I didn’t.”

She shrugged, “Then it’s not your fault.”

“Are you sure you’re alright? We can talk about it, I can talk to Mor, make sure she doesn’t bother you again…”

“I just want to sleep. I’m tired.” She answered, cutting off whatever else he was going to say. She couldn’t stand to hear one more word about the Morrigan, she’d done enough damage for the day, thank you very much. Now Nesta was only feeling foolish, for thinking that maybe he would actually want to be with her, that all his questions were genuine, that maybe there was hope and this hadn’t been some foolish ritual that was ultimately wrong. She had forgotten the most important thing that had made her step away from Cassian, the fact that he loved Mor.

Cassian handed her the night shirt and turned around, as he had the night before. She stepped out of her dress - a strange dress she had managed to sew that combined both the fashions from behind the wall and the Night Tribe - leaving her corset as well. It was uncomfortable but it was better than to be exposed.

“You can turn around,” she said as she settled into the furs.

When he did he gave her a peculiar look, “Are you going to sleep with your hair so tightly bound? Isn’t it uncomfortable?”

She shrugged, “I’m too tired to take it down now, I don’t really mind.”

“But it is uncomfortable?”

“A little,” she conceded honestly. But it wasn’t the only uncomfortable thing she was dealing with, her corset was digging into her hip and under her arm.

“I can take it down for you, if… if you want…” He was hesitant all of a sudden and she was quite shocked by it. The thought that Cassian might be hesitant about something was off putting.

“You don’t have to…” she answered him quietly.

“I know, I… want to help you, that’s all.” He walked to her, sitting next to her but still giving her space, hoping that she would let him. She turned to give him access to her braid, tightly woven onto her head. He started softly with as much care as possible, finding one pin, then another, slowly unwinding her hair and letting it fall down her back. He noticed that her hair was roughly the same length as his, maybe slightly longer, to the small of her back.

By the time he finished, her eyes were closed and her back less tense, “Are you sleeping with your corset?” he asked quietly.

“Yes…”

“Don’t keep it on on my account,”

“I feel… exposed,”

“I won’t even look, I know it’s uncomfortable,”

She had to agree it was horribly uncomfortable… And if he wouldnt look it didn’t really matter, “Alright, turn around.” She quickly undid the laces with sure fingers and slid it down the shirt. She sank onto the furs again.

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” Cassian said, adjusting into the furs on his side.

She realized that dispite everything, all the issues they had, this was the place she felt safest. She fell asleep in a few moments.

* * *

Cassian woke in the middle of the night to a strange sound, something like a mewl of pain. He woke quickly to find Nesta thrashing around, eyes screwed shut, the noises clearly coming from her. A nightmare, she was having a nightmare. “Nesta, wake up.” he said gently, nudging her in the arm. She made another of those sounds, a _no_ , if he wasn’t mistaken. “Nesta,” he said a little more firmly, “Wake up, sweetheart, you’re okay.”

She woke up in a start, looking around in a panic, “It’s all right Nesta, it was just a dream. You’re safe, it’s over.”

“We were going to die,” she said softly, panicked, “You were going to die.”

He hugged her gently, “We didn’t, we’re still here.”

“I thought…”

“I know. It’s alright, you’re alright, we’re alright.” he tried rubbing her back reassuringly.

“Alright…” she said, sleepily.

“Let’s go back to sleep,” he said, releasing her and trying to settle her back down.

“No, no,” she said, still sleepy, “No, come back. You’re warm,”

He didn’t answer, instead settling next to her, arms coming around her as he closed his eyes. He smiled as he realized his position, he wanted to sleep like this forever, basking in her scent, that thanks to his bear he sensed perfectly, was so exquisitely Nesta. In that moment he promised himself that he’d do everything in his power to have this everyday, he’d do anything for her.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated ;)


	5. Naming Ritual - Day 1 (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the longest chapter I have ever written, so long in fact, I had to cut it in two. Sorry. Here's part one. Enjoy, my beautiful readers!!

 

She'd woken up warm again that morning. Much to her surprise, the reason she was waking up warm was that Cassian had his arms wrapped around her. More surprising still, she hadn't immediately drawn away from him, falling back asleep instead.

The conversation that came after she woke and they had a simple breakfast had been a little less pleasant.

_“Yesterday… you called me your mate, to Mor.” Cassian had started carefully._

_“That's what you called me, isn't it? I assumed that was the name of what we are.”_

_“It is… but, why did you call me that? You hadn't before.”_

_She'd sighed, “I haven't talked to anyone but you since the bonfire ritual and I was following your lead. I'm sorry if I make things more difficult for you both.”_

_“What's that supposed to mean?” He'd asked indignantly._

_“I know you love her Cassian. It was one of the reasons I'd distanced myself from you in the first place, I assume it's the reason you distanced yourself from me as well. I understand, after the naming ritual we go back to the way things were,”_

_“What? Just stop for a second. I don't love her, if I ever have it's been years since I've stopped. You've already given up then? Is that what you're saying? We spend one day trying to get to know each other, trying to work together and you're done?”_

_"Whatever it is you and her have, I don't want to get in the way of it. It's fine.”_

_"We don't have anything, you stubborn woman. That's what I'm saying, we never have. I don't want her. I want you. I'm not in love with her, I'm in love with you. You want to know why I distanced myself from you after the war? I was scared because I'd never felt that way before and I didn't think I was ready for it. And I wasn't. But then I was sitting at the bonfire the other night and I see that wildcat and it turns into you and I realized it was chance to start over, to do this right, to_ try _Nesta. Don't give up, please, not yet.”_

And what was she to say to that? How was she to walk away from another plea? So she hadn't left, though she said nothing in return. Why was it so hard to leave him? Some time later, while quietly contemplating the variables, she'd decided that she would try for the week, this one week. It should have been against every fiber of her being to be so compliant, but it wasn't, not when it came to him and that fact was extremely infuriating to her.

So there she was, in that cursed tent, thinking, while he hunted with his brothers. She should have gone hunting with them… If it weren't for her damn pride she would have.

She had no idea what to do now but she did know she wanted to get out of this tent. Right now. She sighed and lifted herself from the floor. She’d… go visit Feyre. She felt a little bad for using her sister as her last resort, but she was close to calling defeat and it was the only idea she’d had all day that didn't make her stomach turn.

She quietly walked over to her tent and listened for a second, to make sure she was alone, then entered.

“Oh, Nesta! I hadn't been expecting you, come in, sit.” She did as Feyre asked, not knowing what else to do. She was too caught up in her head, too caught up in herself, in Cassian’s words, of the meaning behind them. She was just so… confused? Conflicted? This was a mess.

Feyre’s smile was blinding. Her little sister was happy, genuinely happy. It was almost strange, after everything, to see her be so effortlessly happy, “So,” Feyre continued in stride, despite the fact that she had said nothing, “How is everything? How’s it going with you and Cassian?”

How were things with her and Cassian? She didn’t understand it very well herself. At all, she didn’t understand it at all. Before she knew it she’d said, “Cassian told me he’s in love with me,” and it had slipped out before she could control herself.

“Well, that’s good isn’t it?” she said hopefully, her face showing surprise, but maybe not the same surprise Nesta was feeling. No, her surprise was different, hers wasn’t hopeful or happy, it was just unexpected. She didn’t know how to react.

She shrugged, all her emotions were in that one shrug. “I don’t know.” she answered, finding herself needing to talk to someone, “I… we… I think we were about to start fighting.”

Feyre’s brows bunched, “Why? What happened?”

Nesta rubbed her forehead, feeling almost foolish for saying this at all, for sharing her own problems with her younger sister when they weren’t even that big to begin with, sighing, she started to explain, “Mor… she came over yesterday. She screamed at him, I think. Then she tried to intimidate me, but I just brushed it off, walked away.”

“And that led to a fight?” she asked as diplomatically as she could. Mor was a close friend of Feyre’s and Nesta felt even more stupid when she remembered that.

She swallowed hard, “No, not that, not really. It’s just… the way that he just ran to her, the moment her heard her voice. He left me behind and it was so effortless, it’s always so easy for him. I just… told him that, that I knew and understood. He loves her and everything is going to go back to the way it was after all this is over.”

“And then he told you he was in love with you?”

She nodded quietly, “And that I shouldn’t give up yet… on getting us to work.”

“What did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything… I didn’t know what to say.”

“Are you in love with him?”

“I don’t know, Feyre, that’s why I didn’t say anything. And even if I was, he’d still pick her over me, any day, any time…”

“I don’t think so, Nesta. But that is just my opinion and it’s obviously more complicated than that… Did you agree to try?”

“Yes… for the week.”

Feyre smiled, “Of course you’re only giving it a week.” Nesta just rolled her eyes, but a little smile peeked out. Feyre enveloped her in a hug, “Everything is going to work out.”

 

* * *

 

“So how is life now that you're newly mated?” Rhys asked, smirk and eyebrows wiggling.

“Interesting.” Cassian said curtly.

Azriel laughed quietly, “It seems married life is a touchy subject.”

“Mor visited yesterday night.” He bit out, bitterly, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Oh,” From Rhys.

“After she was done with me, she confronted Nesta.” He growled.

“Not good.” Azriel muttered.

“You think?” He grumbled, “This morning Nesta tells me ‘it’s okay, Cassian, you love her and I'm leaving you as soon as I can,’” he said in a poor imitation of Nesta’s almost expressionless voice this morning.

“Got worse,” Azriel muttered, earning a glare for Cassian.

“What did you do?” Rhys asked carefully, his honest concern evidence on his face.

He sighed, “I told her I was in love with her. For her not to give up on us… yet.”

“And?” Azriel prompted.

“Oh, she said nothing. Not a word. Just went on doing what she had been doing. She did not, however, leave, and that I am calling a victory.”

“With Nesta? That is definitely a win, I’ve never seen her unable to find a biting remark to throw at someone.” Rhys input.

“You left her speechless… Brother, you deserve a prize.” Azriel agreed.

“Be that as it may, I feel bad about it. Mor was…”

“Out of line.” Rhys supplied.

He pointed at Rhys, “Yes. That.” He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand, “Why does all of this have to be so incredibly complicated?”

“It is complicated, Cass. But when it settles, when everything falls into place… it’s worth it. Very worth it.” Rhys settled his back on a tree, his eyes gleaming with his own memories, his own experiences with both love and an Archeron sister.

“You’re just a big sap,” Azriel scoffed.

“Maybe,” he granted, “But I just so happen to be the only one that has been able to have a successful relationship.”

Cassian rolled his eyes, “Truly impressive considering the odds of finding a woman that can actually stand to be near you for more than a night.”

“Nesta is rubbing off on you, brother.” Azriel chuckled with a snort, “As for all the other complications, maybe you should consider speaking to Mor and explaining the change in circumstance to her.”

“Sounds like the best possible outcome,” Rhys agreed.

“Weren’t we supposed to be hunting?” Azriel asked cheekily, “When did this become a ‘let’s discuss Cassian’s relationship problems’ party?”

“Let’s hunt then,” Cassian grumbled. This was going to be a very long day, wasn’t it?

 

* * *

 

Cassian was in a decidedly bad mood when he had finished hunting. The night had ended on a good enough note, with the nightmare and the holding, but this morning had been a disaster and had erased any positivity that might have arisen from the situation. It only made things worse that when he got to their tent Nesta wasn’t there. She’d probably already left him and that was why he had no idea where she was.

He decided laying down on the furs and giving up on his dreary existence was the perfect plan. He sprawled down with his arms out and sighed long and hard. That was the position he was in when Nesta walked into the tent. “Hello.” she said.

“Oh, hello. Don’t mind me, I’m just awaiting my death. How was _your_ day?”

“Not half as dramatic as yours, I’m sure. What exactly brought out this quest for death?”

He sighed again, “Nothing, nothing at all… I have the clothes you’ll need for the week. And the paint. If you don’t mind, I’d be more than happy apply them on your pretty face. Though I’m afraid it might lead to you biting my hand off or my head off… or worse, my hair off. They’re such pretty locks.” He lamented, petting his second favorite feature.

“ _What_ happened to you today that you are in such a morbid mood?”

“Oh, my mate just said that she was going to leave me at the end of the week because one of my best friends thought she had the right to speak to my mate like she owns this fucking tent. And then, now this is the funny part, ready for it? I told my mate I was in love with her and she said nothing at all. Not a word.” he sighed dramatically, “Now I’m morbid.”

“You’re a whining fool.”

“I told you I was in love with you and you said nothing!”

“Cassian stop whining.” he glared at her and she just rolled her eyes. He sprawled back onto the furs, hating himself and his situation. She walked toward him and kicked him in the side, “Get up.”

“Leave me to my death, Nesta. You don’t even answer me when I open up to you. There is no more reason to live.”

She rolled her eyes at him again, “I need help getting dressed.” he made a noise like a dying animal. She sighed again, “I need help getting _undressed_.”

He lifted himself in the same moment, “I can help.”

“Pathetic.” She shook her head, “Get yourself together, we have to get through this week. And like it or not, I need your help.”

Cassian gasped dramatically, “You _lied_ ! I _demand_ to help you undress at least one piece of clothing.”

“No. But you can do my paint for me, _after_ I put on the clothes I need.” She looked pretty when she was being authoritative. Even prettier when she was screaming at him, though he did appreciate that this had not yet escalated to that point.

“You are depriving me of my Cauldron given right as your husband-”

“Don’t even dare finish that sentence.” Nesta growled.

He came close to her, leaning slightly as he got close, “It’ll happen, just wait,”

She flicked him on the nose, “Down boy. I need to change, and I need you out of here until I’m finished. I’ll shout when you’re allowed back.”

“This is my tent!”

“ _Our_ tent, for the time being.”

“I’ll leave on one condition. Where were you today?”

Her brows bunched in confusion, “I was with my sister. You see, my supposed _husband’s_ best female friend thought it was a good idea to try to intimidate me into leaving him. Then, when it was mentioned in conversation in the morning, the idiot I have to call my husband thought that the solution to that problem was to tell me he was in love with me. I had a lot to talk about.”

“Isn’t it a solution?” he asked quietly.

“It’s _not_ Cassian. It’s just one of the variables.”

He deflated a little as he saw the hardness in her eyes, the truth in them, “I’ll be right outside…” He left the tent and stood there like a fool. Was the entire endeavor a big waste of time? Was she ever going to open to him… love him? He was so close to loving her… and she… wasn’t.

“You may re-enter,” Nesta said, and he rolled his eyes as he went back in. And she called him dramatic. When he got back inside, she was looking down at herself with a frown, “I don’t like it,” she mumbled. He understood why, considering she was so conservative with her clothing and this left a lot of skin bare, as the skirt ended at her knees and her arms were bare. She threw her arms up, looking up at him, “And I’m going to be cold all night.”

His eyes lingered on the skin he was unaccustomed to seeing, “I got you fur lined boots for tonight. These are the clothes the ritual demands… on the bright side, we’ll be beside the fire and you’ll be warm enough.” He gave her a sympathetic smile, which quickly turned to a smirk, “I’ll be right next to you and I’ll be shirtless.” He winked for good measure.

She lifted her eyebrow looking down at his torso then she sighed, but said nothing. “And now I get to do your paint,” he said with a smile, taking the paints from the pouch he had put them in. “I brought you some berries, if you'd like to snack on them.”

She smiled and pulled the smaller pouch of berries from his hand, humming happily as she plucked a few berries into her mouth. “Turn toward me, please.” He said, opening the jars and placing them in front of them. “Look up, so I can look at you. You’re surprisingly short to be my soul mate.” He started dabbing in the paint, finding the colors he needed, mixing the colors slightly to get them just right.

She rolled her eyes, “I wasn’t aware that was a big factor in soul pairing.”

“Shush. I need to get this right,” he said, starting to paint. “Believe it or not this is important. Each different pattern is for a different purpose,” he started following the contours of her face. “Close your eyes for me,” a red stripe over her eyes and the bridge of her nose almost like a mask. A thin dark blue stripe coming down from her hairline, over her eyes, ending perpendicular to her mouth. “Close your mouth,” he said in a seductive voice, which prompted her to open her eyes just to shoot him an eyeroll.

He winked, smiling at her, “Mouth closed.” She did as he asked, so he drew the line from right below her nose, down her chin. “What did you mean?” he asked quietly as he started the lines on her clavicle, “Earlier, I mean… When you said that what I said wasn’t a solution?”

“Cassian…” she sighed, “It’s more complicated than just feelings, it’s… Sometimes, they’re not enough. I wish it was that easy, just a few words and all problems solved.”

“And you didn’t answer because you don’t feel anything?”

She looked up, seriously as she’d ever been, “I didn’t say anything because I don’t know how I feel…” she swallowed hard, “I’m sorry… I just don’t know.”

He concentrated on his painting, “It’s alright. Everything is happening so quickly… I can’t blame you. It’s okay you don’t feel the same way.”

“I don’t know how I feel… that’s exactly the problem.” she shrugged, “I’m confused…”

He nodded, finishing the paint on her arms, the almost black blue pattern of vines and thorns ending at her wrist, “I was confused… right up until I saw you in that fire. But I understand how it’s different for you, all of our traditions and customs. Of course you’re confused, you’d be insane if you weren’t.”

“Thank you…” she bit her lip, “for being understanding.”

“I happen to be amazing man, thank you very much,” he pat her on the hand and turned away, “And an amazing body painter,” he said with a wink. He reached into the pouch once more, taking out his totem and extra feather necklace, “We have to wait until the paint dries to put the necklaces on.”

He got up and took his own trousers from where they were neatly folded. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to change, so you better stop ogling me before you see more than you bargained for.”

“Very presumptuous of you to assume that I was ogling you.” Nesta dismissed.

Cassian looked back with a smirk, catching her turning her back on him quickly, “I'm not presuming. I watched you track my marvelous behind from the mirror I just happen to be standing in front of.”

Once he had finished slipping on his special pants, he turned back to the paints, knowing that he'd have to embellish his tattoos by himself. The paint for mated males was different than what he was accustomed to doing so he'd had to ask for help. Rhys had graciously told everything he needed to know, so here he was. Traditionally, his mate would have been the one to do the painting, but since everything between them was so… complicated with them, he didn’t really expect her to.

He’d finished drawing the vines and thorns on his chest and was changing from the dark blue paint to the red paint when Nesta walked over and sat in front of him. “Can I help?” she asked, her voice quiet and unsure, her eyes looking straight into his.

“Yes, of course.” he nodded, handing her the paint. Cauldron, those eyes of hers were so intense, it was like looking at the ice on top of the steppes, where the lights touched the earth. The more he looked the deeper he fell… all he could hope was that she someday felt the same.

“Teach me how?” Gods and spirits both, the way her quiet voice just sank into his bones and rattled him to his core.

He took her hand in his and guided her through the designs. She concentrated on him the entire time, her movements precise and controlled. Gentle… so gentle it almost hurt him. Once she had finished his chest she looked up at him. They locked eyes, as she lifted her hand to his face to continue. She lifted her hand to his eyes, but her eyes lost focus from his, going to his lips. His followed suit going to her full, painted lips… And before he knew it she was on her knees, starting the line under his eyes.

But then her eyes locked on his and the intensity was palpable and in that moment all he wanted to do was look at them for the rest of his life. Then she was closer than she had been before and their lips were almost touching, just a little closer and… Her lips were on his before he could take another breath. Their eyes were closed and their lips were fused. They were apart again in a couple breaths and she was painting his face again.

 

 

 


	6. Naming Ritual - Day 1 (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a while. A lot has been happening in my life recently. Thankfully I've been able to get some of my things back to normal, so here's a chapter (half of last chapter, sorry bout that haha.) Enjoy!

 

 

Nesta continued on with the paint, ignoring the frantic beating of her heart, ignoring the fact that, to even  _ her _ utter surprise, she had just kissed Cassian. The proof was in the paint that was smudged on his lips, in the way he had just started breathing again, in the stillness of his body as he tried his best not to move and startle her. She took her hand back and turned to the paint, “What next?” she asked as quietly.

He swallowed visibly, “That’s it for me, other than feathers… in my hair.”

She nodded, “In braids?”

“Can be.” he answered, looking at her cautiously, as if she were to scream at him at any minute or grow an extra head between one second and the other.

She looked at him, an eyebrow raised, “Well turn, then,”

His brows bunched in confusion and suspicion but he did turn around, “Please don’t hurt it… I love every single strand of hair.” He pet his head protectively. If there was one thing Nesta had to admit about Cassian was that his hair was absolutely beautiful. The straight raven locks that fell to the small of his back, shining, always impeccably styled for whatever the occasion demanded. When he was training and he needed it away from his eyes, he pulled it up in a bun, during rituals it was loose with feathers woven into its length, during days with no occasion it would simply fall down his back, looking absolutely beautiful.

She started braiding his hair, from the top down, putting feathers in a quarter of the way down, three quarters of the way down. Again and again, changing the position of the feathers as she went, until all of his hair has braids and feathers in it.

He looked up at the mirror, to check her work, and his eyes widened in surprise. She smiled smugly, knowing she’d done a good job. “Nice work, sweetheart. Now turn around for me and I’ll repay the favor.”

She did as he asked, marvelling in the deft touch of his fingers, the softness with which he did her hair, that despite the large size of him he was so very gentle with her. She had to suppress a shiver as his hand scraped the back of her neck, his callouses from archery and sword fighting tickling her in a pleasant way.

She could feel her heart beating stronger and faster the longer he moved his deft hands in her hair, placing feathers throughout. His hands touched her skin more and more often and Nesta felt like she was losing control. Though perhaps the thought was foolish of her, she had already lost control. She'd been so caught in the moment a few minutes ago that she had kissed him. And enjoyed it. Though she would not mention either thing ever. For all that mattered, those few seconds of utter loss of judgement had never happened. And would never happen again. Probably.

Cassian hummed pleasantly while he finished, adjusting her hair to fall perfectly down her back. Of course her hair would never be as beautiful as his, hers would never have that perfectly black raven hue, never have that sleek straightness. No hers was a brownish-goldish color that she didn’t quite like and in waves that felt like they couldn’t decide whether they wanted to be straight or curly. “There you go. Nice and decorated. Pass me the necklaces and we’ll be done.”

She passed him the necklaces and he slipped them on her and adjusted her hair again, “There; perfect.” He moved so he was standing in front of her, lending a hand to help her raise as well, he looked her in the eyes, his gaze intense, “Today is simple, just a bonfire, in fact you won’t talk to anyone but the Elder.”

“So I just sit in front of the fire and don’t talk to anyone? I will be very good at it.” She replied cooly.

“Indeed.” He said with a smile, “Look in the fire as you sit there, that’s also a very important part. And once we get back here you tell me what you see.”

“Is that all?” She drawled.

He smiled, “Just about. Let's go then.” He said, motioning dramatically outside. It earned him an eye roll but it was worth it.

“What am I even supposed to see in the fire? How I die? How to scale a mountain? How to…?”

“Can't say. Not allowed. But you'll understand once it starts.”

“Why?”

He shrugged, looking straight ahead, “I don't know. Because I was told not to?”

“So, sit, be quiet, look at the fire, go back and tell you what I see  _ in the fire _ ?”

“Yes!” He said cheerfully, as they got closer to the bonfire. There was music and dancing already and Nesta had the impression that they were arriving late. They probably were and it was probably by design, considering Cassian was quite masterful at arriving just late enough to call attention to himself.

She mumbled a few choice words as she saw her place. Front and center. Everyone's attention would be on her and, frankly, she hated the thought. But, she also didn't have a choice, not really. She'd been deliberating ever since she'd been told she was to participate in the ritual and she decided she wanted to become a member. If for nothing else because she was going to live here forever… and she'd promised Cassian she would try, so she would.

She sighed as she sat down. Cassian stood behind her, looking around at the tribe, then smiled and shouted. The words were strange to her, despite her efforts to learn the language, but she resigned herself to the fact that she wouldn't understand much, if anything. She'd probably have to ask someone to actually teach her.

He sat down and leaned forward, “It was a blessing.” He explained, without her asking, “For the spirits to watch over you and show you everything they deem you need to know.”

“Oh, alright…”

“And when the Elder comes over soon he'll bestow you the sight, so you will be able to see in the fire.”

“What did you see?” She asked quietly.

He gave her a crooked grin, “Lots and lots of fighting. Some nicer than others, but fighting all around.”

She lifted a brow at him, “Nice fighting? What exactly constitutes nice fighting?”

He laughed quietly, the crooked grin staying in place, “The kind of fighting we do, sweetheart.”

She was going to say something like “don't be ridiculous” or “stop turning everything into flirting” but the elder had arrived and a hush had fallen.

The Elder was brief in his message, he simply told the tribe to welcome her with open arms and open hearts… and, she had to stop and think on the last few words, but she thought they meant something like willingness to understand and help her, some of the words were hard to catch.

The Elder came to her with a bushel of leaves in his hands, she could tell by the smell there was pine in there, as it had an overpowering smell but she couldn't guess any of the other leaves, even seeing them. She still wasn't very good at being one with nature, having moved here so recently. He came over to her and hit her gently on the head with the leaves saying “sight, understanding, acceptance” a few times before returning to the fire and throwing the bushel into it.

A cry rose from the tribe, signalling the beginning of her period of meditation on the flames and the images it was supposed to give her. She turned her eyes to the fire and waited for something to come to her.

* * *

 

“So,” Cassian started as they walked to their tent, “What did you see?”

Nesta had had her head bowed looking at the ground ever since they had finished the ritual. She hadn't said a word, hadn't looked at him, had simply stood up and started walking. She looked up now.

Sighing she said weakly, “Can we just do this tomorrow. I want to sleep.” She did look tired. Very tired actually. There were now bags under her eyes where before there had been nothing, and there was a strain to her face that Cassian didn't really understand.

“As long as you remember what you saw,” he said, leading her into their tent.

“I'm not likely to forget,” she said on a breath, so quietly Cassian almost missed it.

He kept quiet after that, knowing she would likely get annoyed if he went on.

They quickly cleaned themselves of paint - as quick as they could seeing that most of their upper body was painted - then settled into the furs for sleep.

She'd turned her back to him as she settled but he was having none of it. He moved so that he settled hugging her to him, spooning, the way she'd liked the night before.

“What are you doing?” She almost growled.

“You woke me up last night with all your moving and talking, you were quiet after I hugged you, and I need sleep. So, this is a precaution. Good night.”

She grumbled before relaxing but was soon asleep. He followed shortly after.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Please? Don't make me cry...


	7. Naming Ritual - Day 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel horrible. It's been more than a month since I posted to this fic! I'm so inconsistent I hate it. Worst part? This isn't even a very long chapter. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

 

 

“Time to wake up, Nesta,” Cassian said, nudging her on the shoulder. She mumbled something unintelligible. She was cute when she was just waking up. “Wakey, wakey, sweetheart.”

“No! I’m asleep.” She grumbled, this time louder. Progress.

“That  _ is  _ the point of waking up,” Cassian chuckled. She mumbled again, “Mmm… What can I do? I'll bite you?”

She looked up with a death glare, “I'll bite harder,” she growled.

He looked at her with a brow raised, “If I kiss you will you  _ kiss  _ me harder?”

“I'll punch you and hopefully break your nose,” she grumbled, burrowing back into the furs.

He couldn’t stop his laughter. She was cranky when woken up, it seemed. He’d have to remember that for the future, since he was really hoping they would have a future. Adorable. She was just adorable, “Nesta, lovely, sweet, Nesta. We have to get up, because the second part of the ritual is up near the top of the mountain and we have to get there. So we have to wake up and get up, then walk up. It’s a full day’s walk and we’re camping.”

“You’re joking.” she grumbled, already feeling aggravated.

“Not this time, sweetheart,” he started shaking her, thinking of some different tactic to get her up, “Nesta, please lets get up!”

“It’s still dark outside! It’s not time to wake up yet! It’s time for sleep… sleep is good. Sleep is what makes me able to tolerate people.” She lifted herself enough to grab at his shoulders and shake him, “Cassian. You do not want to be around me when I’m sleep deprived. I’m worse, so much worse than normal.”

Cassian chuckled, “Unfortunately, we have no choice. I'm sure we're both going to be annoyed with each other by the time we get to where we're camping.” When she just stared back at him he continued, “And you can insult me and blame me all the way, how's that?”

She scowled but started moving, “I was planning on doing that anyways, it's not like I needed your permission,”

“Well, now you have it. Get dressed, please, we're packed and leaving as soon as you're ready.”

“I will never be ready for hiking and camping!” She countered.

“Then we're going as soon as I deem it time to go.” He said, patting her on the head, “Now put some clothes on, pants are better and some furs to keep you warm.”

 

* * *

 

She had grumbled a bit, but she'd been ready in little more than ten minutes. And so here they were, still walking up the mountain. 

“We're almost there,” he informed Nesta, as they reached the point where they could see a clearing.

“About time,” Nesta mumbled. She looked tired, which made sense they had started the “journey” at sun rise and the sun was now setting.

Before long the tent was up and he was adjusting their furs. Nesta had been quiet the whole time they'd walked and now he was going to sit down and try to talk with her.

He stepped back out, seeing Nesta just sitting looking at the grass. She seemed distant, somehow. “Sweetheart, is something wrong?”

She looked up, shaking her head, “I'm alright…”

“You know you can talk to me, right?” He asked, sitting next to her.

“You've mentioned,” she agreed, “What do we have to do here?”

“Today we talk about the tribe.”

“Haven’t I already received this lesson when I started living here? The Mother used the Cauldron to create the world we live in. She gave every living creature a spirit, an imprint all their own, that contributes in their own way to the world we live in. From the birds in the trees, to the insects in the ground, they all have their parts to play to keep the world balanced, as it is. And that is why, we, in this tribe, live our lives respectfully, taking into account all the living creatures around us and doing as little harm as we possibly can. In return, the spirits aid us in our lives, keeping us on our paths, showing us the ways to living balanced lives.”

Cassian nodded appreciatively, “Good, that is the most basic and happens to be true for basically all tribes. But there is more to the story, and more still to regarding the tribe.” He looked up at the setting sun, then looked back at her, “The spirits serve as more than just our guides. After a time of living in harmony, some people started realizing they gained some abilities. Their communion with the spirits was being rewarded, in ways they had never considered. Those with similar abilities grouped together and left to make tribes of their own. The Night Tribe is descended of one of these gifted people, and to this day, we hold the abilities.” He smiled at her as she frowned, looking around them. “Do you believe any of this, Nesta?” she asked.

She shook her head, but not in disagreement, as if clearing her head, “I didn’t, not at first… but now… I’ve seen too much not to believe in the spirits, even the whole thing with powers doesn’t seem that far fetched.” She looked back at him, “So what is the power and why did we have to go so far for this conversation?”

“You’ll have to discover the power on your own, I’m afraid.” She scowled at him, he lifted his arm in surrender, “I apologize, sweetheart, but I’m not allowed to say. You have to walk this path on your own, I’m just here to steer you in the right direction.”

“So you’re useless, then?” she spat at him.

He let out one of his deep chuckles, “Only good company, I’m afraid.” she scowled some more, but he went on, unperturbed, “And we came out here to be closer to the spirits, without being disturbed by all the people.”

She rolled her eyes, “I was starting to think you’d just brought me here to get me alone.”

“Only an added benefit,” he said with a smile. “Can you gather some wood for a fire, please? I brought some food, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

She grumbled, “Haven’t I walked enough for one day?” but she did get up and start for the trees.

He frowned after her. There was something off about her, had been the entire day and he had a feeling it had to do with what she saw in the fire. Trouble was, he didn’t know what she saw, as she hadn’t told him. If she had her way, she probably never would.

She came back pretty quickly, arms full of twigs and organized them into a neat pile before lighting them herself. They ate soon after, the berries and meat he had brought doing wonders to both of their aching stomachs.

“So,” he started cautiously, “about last night…”

“Can we not?” she said quietly before he could elaborate further.

He sighed, “Alright.”

She kept to herself for the rest of the night, even when they retired for the night. She just burrowed into the furs and turned away from him, pretending to be asleep when he joined. Looking down at her he chose to believe she was just in a bad mood because of the early rise. Deep down he knew that wasn’t it. So he decided to turn and sleep facing away from her for the first time since the fire.

 

* * *

_ Her golden hair shone in the dim light of dawn. They were alone, all the way up the mountain, and this was how she had awoken him. Slow kisses, to his neck, to his chest, to his lips. Cauldron, she was amazing and she was kissing him. So beautiful. “Cass,” she whispered, straddling his hips. _

_ “What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked, combing her shining brown hair back from her face.  _

_ She answered by kissing him and grinding on his growing erection. She moaned almost quietly pulling him to her. “Nesta,” he groaned. _

_ She continued the grinding with her hips and soon enough he was begging her. For what wasn’t clear, mercy or for her never to stop, he didn’t know. He just needed to beg. He was and he did. He was so close, so close. _

Until he woke up. With his hand wrapped around his length, pumping hard. He barely had a moment to think about what he was doing, who was in the tent with him, how getting caught would impact their relationship. Next thing he knew, he was coming and groaning, “ _ Nesta.” _

_ Shit shit shit _ . He had just groaned her name while coming, in a tent that  _ they shared _ . He lifted himself to assess the damage that had been done… But she wasn’t there. She’d probably woken up to see him pumping himself and had walked out in disgust.  _ Shit. _

He cleaned himself, quickly, pulling on his pants, then rushed outside to apologize and grovel, and beg her not to hate not to leave him. But when he went outside she wasn’t there. In fact she was nowhere to be seen and her scent… it was hours old. Nesta was gone.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you don't have anything to say in the notes but feel bad about leaving them empty haha, yeah that's me. Hope you guys enjoy the chapter!

 

 

Nesta sat by the edge of the nascent of the river, looking at the water flowing down, knowing that it would ultimately find the ocean. She thought suddenly that the water was a lot like her. Being born in one berth and ending in another entirely. Remembering the ocean she thought of all she had lived since she'd seen it last. 

Most of all, she thought of her visions in the fire. She'd seen it all. She'd seen… herself. And it had been a rude awakening. All the things that had been said to her… they were right. She was cold and unfeeling, calculated. She'd chosen one sister over the other more than she could count and she'd never shown her love for those who had it.

She, gods, she deserved nothing.

Mor’s voice saying she didn't deserve Cassian echoed in her mind and this time, instead of thinking that perhaps she was mistaken, she knew she had been right.

Her reflection in the water looked back at her, her eyes had a strange glint to them, sorrow, almost. She kept her eyes on her reflection, pondering the life she had lived and wondering what she could possibly do from now on to change it.

She was still thinking this when she saw the largest brown bear she could have ever imagined, lingering behind her.

She jumped up with a scream. There was a bear not twenty steps away from her. She shouldn't have left, Cassian would know what to do, this is what she got for being a coward. She was going to be eaten by a bear.

She had just finished screaming when the bear let out a roar that had her shaking where she stood. The bear's paw was outstretched as if telling her to stop. Then, before her eyes, the bear slowly started melting into Cassian.

“Nesta, calm down, it's just me.” He was speaking while transforming, the snout and fur receding, shrinking in size. “Nesta, breathe.”

She was able to suck in a breath, but it didn’t feel like her lungs were filling. She must have been breathing because she could feel her chest going up and down, “You’re a--” she couldn’t make herself say it, didn’t really know what to say. She’d seen him… morph.

“Well, I’m a shapeshifter. Remember I told you yesterday that the tribe had gifts? The people of the Night Tribe are shapeshifters.”

“How?” she whispered.

He looked around, then back at her, “Like I said, it was a gift from the spirits. We lived so harmoniously with them that they started living with us, not just around us. The naming ritual is all about accepting the spirit that chooses you. Once the spirit chooses you, you can shift.”

Her jaw dropped and she pointed at herself, completely bewildered, “Can I…?”

He grinned, “Possibly. Probably.”

“Into a…” she pointed at her again.

“Wildcat.” he nodded, “An itty bitty kitty,” he smiled and laughed at himself while she just gaped. She could turn into a cat?

“That is not possible. I’m not… I’m not from the Night Tribe.”

“You are now. You officially became Night Tribe when you were given the sight. But you were already regarded as a member of the tribe by the spirits, even before that, otherwise you wouldn’t have seen anything in the fire when we were paired.”

“This is… insane.”

“I can imagine it would be for you, but it’s all true. I’ll train you to transform later if you want, for now, I’d prefer it if we returned to the camp site,”

“But--” she started, only to be cut off by another bear roaring. She looked back at him, as if she assumed it was him.

He waved her off, “It’s not me. I can only do that when I’m a bear and as you can see by the lack of fur, I’m human.”

“So there’s an actual  _ bear  _ somewhere close?”

He nodded, “Yes, when I roared it probably caught someone’s attention. Ergo, our little friend. Which is why I was saying we had to go back.” And just when he finished speaking a bear appeared at the edge of the trees, Cassian looked back nonchalantly at the bear. “Nothing to worry about.”

His calm did nothing to ease her, instead she felt herself panicking, after encountering two bears roaring at her in one day, her mind was a little too full of these crazy situations for one day, thank you very much. She tried to calm herself, but she couldn't. She was panting, all the air going into her lungs were useless. She could feel her heartbeat against her chest, her eyesight going fuzzy. Her skin started to itch… and she felt herself… shrinking.

Why was she shrinking?

She looked around her, trying to understand what was happening but nothing seemed right. Things looked too big for what they were. She craned her head, trying to find Cassian and found that he was much bigger than normal. She tried to asking what was happening but she only let out a loud “meow”. Looking down at herself she saw  _ fur  _ and  _ paws _ .

 

* * *

 

Cassian shook his head as he watched Nesta shift into a cat. Well, a bit larger than a cat, but still, it was uncalled for. She couldn’t really control it, unfortunately, so he would just have to guard her for now. Willing himself to change, he took Nesta, who was no doubt panicking badly at the moment, by the scruff and walked them away on his four paws.

He could feel her breathing erratically and honestly, who could blame her? He trudged quickly back towards their camp. The bear would leave them alone there and if she didn’t he could talk to her and explain they were no danger to her or her cubs. She was just a momma bear trying to protect her family, she would be agreeable once he explained why they were here.

If he could do that and calm Nesta down, he’d give himself a new tattoo, because that would be quite the feat.

Trying to exude calm, he walked and once he reached their modest camp, he very carefully set cat-Nesta in the tent before changing back into his human form. He went back inside to find cat-Nesta sitting in the middle of the tent, visibly shaking. He sat next to her and placed her on his lap. She looked up at him, her gray-blue eyes, the same she had as a human, looked scared and almost pleading.

He carefully pet her around the ears, “It’s all about the emotions, Nesta.” He said as calmly as he could, “Getting your heartbeat down to a more normal level is the first step.” He continued petting her as soothingly as he could. Soon she rested her head on his lap as he pet her slowly, she started purring not long after and he smiled to himself, thinking that at least cat-Nesta liked him. Her little nose moved and she moved closer to him, then a little closer, until she simply jumped onto his chest and buried her face in his neck.

He startled, but then just continued petting her as she sniffed at his neck. Her shaking stopped, breathing started to slow, “That’s better isn’t it?” he asked soothingly. She let out a meow he took to mean “yes”, so he continued his instructions, “Now, keep your breathing like this and think about yourself, think about your hair and your hands, your toes, think about what it feels like to move your arms, wiggling your toes, think about looking around you and seeing from your normal perspective.” She meowed again, a little more annoyed than before. He chuckled lightly, “Keep thinking about it, sweetheart. Now, when you think about it, tell yourself that’s the way you want to be and think of transforming,” She “meow”-ed again, and he slowly felt her fur receding, becoming her soft skin, he felt her paws turn into hands.

“There you are,” he said softly.

She started shivering again, then said in a small voice, “That was… Terrifying.”

“I can imagine,” he said good naturedly, continuing to stroke her, her hair now and not her fur. By some miracle, she let him continue holding her and brushing his fingers through her hair, soothing her as much as he could.

Once she stopped shaking, she pulled back to look him in the eyes, “How did I even do that?”

He kept his hands where they were on her waist, since she hadn’t told him to take his hands off yet and he was quite enjoying being able to touch her for once, and deliberated on the answer. He wanted to be as clear as possible, “You were upset, then I scared you by appearing as a bear, so when the second bear appeared, your body did its best to keep you alive. It’s best defense was changing you from human to your animal form. Like a reflex.”

She shook herself out of his hold, standing up and starting to pace, “So I didn’t do anything? Will it happen again?”  

“No, you didn’t really do anything and it’s not likely that it will happen again, at least not before you learn how to do it on purpose.” Seeing that her legs were shaky as she walked, he pulled her back down onto the furs, “Stop pacing, you’re tired, you’ll fall and hurt yourself if you keep going.”

She sat, sitting looking blankly at one direction, rubbing her hand over her forehead, “Today has been a very long day.”

He took her hand in his, “Nesta, we need to talk.” She looked up at him, then down at their hands, back up at him, lifting an eyebrow in question, “About why you left this morning and walked to the stream.”

She looked away from him, pulling her hand from his, “I had to leave… to breathe.”

“It’s about what you saw in the fire, isn’t it?” She didn’t answer, but her mouth tightened, “What did you see, Nesta? You have to talk to me, just walking away while I’m sleeping isn’t fair, so  _ talk  _ to me.” She didn’t seem like she was going to say anything, “ _ Please _ .” He pleaded.

“I saw myself,” She whispered, then she breathed deeply, then turned around and lay down. Obviously she wasn’t going to say anything, so he just sighed and decided to go to sleep too. All of the day had been spent tracking and calming Nesta and now it was already after dark. Why didn’t she just let him in? Why couldn’t she see that he wouldn’t care about anything, that he’d just be happy she was letting him in?

“What about yourself did you see?” he asked quietly after a little while, hoping maybe the dark would be enough to persuade her to talk a bit more.

“Everything,” she answered, “And none of it was good.”

He bunched his eyebrows in confusion, “Did you see yourself and Elain?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“Trying to rescue Feyre?”

She nodded, then started talking, quietly, “I saw what I did to Feyre, how much hate I had in me, how horrible I am.” Her voice failed her, “I looked at myself and I just couldn’t stand it.”

“You know what I see when I look at you?” he asked, turning toward her, looking at the way she nestled herself in the furs. She shook her head and let out a muffled “no”, “I see a person that feels everything so deeply. A person that is maybe hard to understand, but those few people she loves, she loves with a ferocity that people would envy if they only tried to to understand. You’re a protector, you’re tough and you are absolutely awe-striking. Not just because you are incredibly beautiful but because anyone can see how unyielding and decisive you are. You would be a nightmare to anyone that fears strength and the best dream to someone that actually  _ sees _ you for what you are.”

“I’ve made mistakes… mistakes that hurt people.”

He inched closer to her, hand going to her arm, “We all have, and if anyone thinks they haven’t they’re kidding themselves. What matters now is how you go on from now, what you do to not repeat the same mistakes.”

She pulled him closer, “Alright,” she answered quietly.

He wrapped his arms around her and soon they were both asleep.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Hope you enjoyed. If you would be so kind as to leave me some feedback I would be eternally grateful.


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